When you brought that precious baby home, it was your mission to keep them happy and content as often as possible. As they age, it is harder to navigate the dynamics of “NO”, “ME DO IT” and the tears of frustration and anger, and of course, the dreaded temper tantrum. Oftentimes, parents are unsure of how and why children need limits and boundaries, when their first instinct as parents is to keep their children happy. This is an excellent column that articulates in the importance of boundaries and limits, why you should avoid negotiating and more.
Why It’s Important to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Kids.
Today, many households have “mini-democracies” where a child‘s voice or opinion is equal to those of his/her parents. In some families, the child’s voice even takes over. And in other families, certain parents will even fully sacrifice his or her own needs to make their child happy.Culturally, the pendulum has swung from focusing on children‘s behavior (in previous generations) to focusing on children’s emotions (today). With this, however, there has been an exponential rise in anxiety disorders in children and teens. Although it‘s extremely important for children’s emotions to be heard and validated, a parent still needs to be in charge to create a secure and stable environment for their kids. In particular, parents are responsible for setting boundaries in the household, in order to foster an environment where their children can be heard, but also encouraged to develop patience, self-awareness, and so on.
Here are four reasons why parents need to be “in charge” of boundary-setting in order to set the tone for a child‘s emotional development:
1. Parental boundaries allow kids to feel safe. Secure boundaries set by the parent (not negotiated by the child) reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bed times, homework time, and screen time — that are set and monitored by the parent — create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety.
Parents should not value a child‘s self-expression over a child’s sense of security. Setting boundaries doesn‘t make you a mean or unfair parent, even if your child says that to you at the time, out of anger. When a child tries to negotiate a later bed time this comes at a cost of the child’s sense of security because it allows the child to feel he or she has more power than the adult.2. Children have undeveloped prefrontal lobes. In other words, a child‘s brain is not fully developed, and hence shouldn’t be given decision-making power over adults. According to Child Developmental Psychologist Piaget, “magical thinking” predominates in children aged two to seven. This “magical thinking” is what makes children amazing and so full of wonder. But it also suggests that young children are not equipped to be in charge of big decisions — beyond choosing peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese.
School-aged children from eight to eleven years of age are largely concrete in their thinking. This is why elementary kids love rules and often like the world to be black and white. After all, structure ensures predictability and security. It is only after age 12 that children begin to develop more abstract and nuanced thinking. This is why adolescence is a more appropriate time to experiment with rules and limits. Yet parents still need to be “in charge” of setting boundaries with their teenage children, as they are still developing the prefrontal controls around impulsivity, decision making, and problem-solving (never mind all the hormonal shifts!).
Even as we know more about brain development, we seem to have become less attuned to thinking about our children‘s unique developmental stage, and what is an appropriate level of choice for them to have. Many parents today negotiate with their five year-olds as if they are mini-adults; thinking kids understand all the gradations of why rules change and shift.3. Parental limits disrupt narcissism and entitlement.
For many families, a child’s emotions, needs and desires can run the parent‘s whole day rather than the other way around. Narcissism is normal, and is developmentally appropriate in small children.
Yet unless the early-development narcissism is eventually disrupted, children continue to feel like the world revolves around them and become narcissistic adults. Parental boundaries allow children to grow up, to understand they can’t always get their way, to be more patient and mature. Knowing that there is a limit to how much comfort and pleasure their parents will provide, children can learn to cope with disappointment; as an added bonus, the mild disappointment often brought about by boundaries can also help children to develop empathy — perhaps for others who have discomfort and disappointment. Understanding the meaning of “limits” allows kids to be more connected to the real world.
It‘s OK and perfectly appropriate for a parent’s rationale to stop at this: “I am making this decision because I‘m the parent, and you’re the child.” The notion of a parent being “in charge” is not a power-trip if done in a gentle but firm way to promote a child‘s feeling of safety and security.4. We all learn from struggling a bit.
In any developmental task from walking to talking to learning to read or drive a car, kids need to struggle. Struggle is how we mature and learn mastery of new things. If children are brought up with the expectation that they will always be “in charge”, they want things to be easy. They also expect parents to remove struggle and, fix their disappointments. A parent in charge knows it is not only OK for a child to struggle with a limit or a rule, it is actually good and healthy. It is OK if they have to turn off their video game to do their reading, or are asked to eat more vegetables or do an extra chore to help mom.
Parents who set boundaries are not trying to make their child happy in the moment (though sometimes they are!). Rather, more importantly, they are trying to have their child develop skills to successfully launch into the world at 18.
So the next time you are acquiescing your parental authority to your child, please remember, it is not helping him or her in the long-term. He or she will have more maturity, resilience, adaptability, feelings of safety & connection.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17051/why-its-important-to-set-healthy-boundaries-with-your-kids.html
Didn’t he miss me today?
As we enter the mid point of the fall semester, I found this article to be quite timely with good information about your child’s differing reactions at pick up time. Happy reading!
Jackson‘s mother paused outside the classroom door. It was the first full day of preschool, and she knew how relieved and happy Jackson would be to see her. He’d been a little tearful when she left this morning, so she half-expected to find him waiting right inside the door, demanding to be taken home immediately. If not, she knew he‘d come running the moment he saw her. No doubt he’d leap into her arms for a hug.
Cautiously, she opened the door, braced for an enthusiastic greeting. Then waited. Where was he, anyway? Finally she spotted him at the playdough table alongside another boy, their hands deep in something that faintly resembled the La Brea Tar Pit.
“Hi Jackson! Hi!” smiling, she held her arms out. Jackson nodded politely in his mother‘s direction, and then bent down to peer inside a tunnel he had made. Well, thought Jackson’s mother, didn‘t he miss me?
In reality, Jackson had missed her a great deal. And her arrival was important to him. However, young children don’t always switch gears quickly. Just as it may take a while for your child to feel better after you‘ve left in the morning, it may take a while to process the good news that you’ve come back.
For much of the day, Jackson had managed his feelings about missing his mom by trying out the playdough. It relaxed and comforted him. When she suddenly appeared, he needed time to give it up. So he nodded at his mom instead of running to greet her.
Other children react in different ways when their parents arrive, especially at the start of the year. Of course, there are always some who cheerfully greet their parents, wave goodbye to their teachers, and calmly leave. But it is also not unusual to see a child react by running around and around in the room, or to see children insist on showing their parents every detail of what they did that day. Toddlers, not known for their subtlety, may even cry when their parents come and refuse to get their jackets on.
None of this means that you weren‘t missed! Children may not express things the way an adult would, but their feelings are just as strong. Indeed, all of that running, crying, & wanting to be involved in play are child-like ways of saying, “Hooray! She’s here! Now I can be myself!”
That doesn‘t mean, of course, that you have hours to spend getting your child out the door. And your child’s teacher would no doubt like to get home as well. With that in mind, here are a few thoughts:
– Greet your child with enthusiasm, but give her a little time to finish whatever she is doing and get used to the idea of this shift in her day.
– If you are not sure whether it is you or the teacher who‘s in charge of rules during pick up time, talk it over with her.
– Also, if you are really struggling with ways to get your child to leave, ask the teacher for suggestions.
– Children do best with regular routines: you might sit and play briefly, then pack up together, say goodbye to the teachers, wave to the guinea pigs, and be on your way. Doing this day after day helps your child know what to expect.
– After following a relaxed routine, rest assured that it is fine to be firm. It is time to go.
Saying goodbye when you leave and saying hello when you return aren’t always the easiest times of days for families, but they are among the most important.
T
aken from the Well Centered Child
The best parenting advice I received
In this column, I like to share with parents some of my perspectives on parenting and the preschool years. Next week, I will begin my 26th year in child care. I began here at FUMP as a substitute while attending UT, and returned to FUMP in 2002. When thinking about what to write as this anniversary draws near, I wondered what was the best parenting advice that I ever received? What was memorable, quick, and has applied even into my son’s middle school years? It didn’t come from my child development professors, national conference speakers, or from the hundreds of hours of continuing education that I have received. Rather, it came from my mother-in-law.
I was all tied up in knots when my three year old son, David, was misbehaving at school. He was best friends with a boy named Andrew, who was pretty rough and tumble. David LOVED playing with him and overlooked the pushing or shoving to keep the friendship going. After being on the receiving end, David started roughhousing with other friends. Once the teacher reported what was going on, I was in overdrive—Andrew was a bad influence on my son AND what would his teachers and other parents think of me. I was incredibly worked up over it and going on endlessly to him about it when I picked him up from his class, at bath time, at bed time, coaching him through his options, reading books about it, talking to his teachers, my girlfriends, the list went on and on.
I turned to my mother-in-law who raised five children and she simply smiled and said that David would be just fine — that the person he is at three is not who he will be at 13 or even 33. He will try on all kinds of behaviors, some good, some bad during his childhood. Just because he was acting aggressive for a short spell did not mean that I had an oppositional child, who would forever be pounding on his peers at recess. I realized that I was acting as if I had discovered a lifelong character flaw and had to stamp it out immediately. She advised me to just encourage him to play nicely when I dropped him off and let him (and his teachers) take care of it.
She also gently reminded me that I can’t fix it for him. He has to go through the stage for himself and learn his own lessons. Both positive and negative experiences will shape him into the person he will become. It wasn’t my job to right all of his wrongs, or create a utopia where everything was smooth and trouble free every moment. Learning from mistakes is an incredibly important life skill, and giving him the chance to do that was what he really needed. Of course she was right. The phase passed and he moved on to some new behavior that I worried about next.
So a word to you from someone who has been there before…Remember that this too shall pass. Excessive worry or micro-managing your child’s behavior isn’t necessarily in their best interest. Let them learn their lessons, experience consequences and come out on the other side. Your job is about being there to support them when they need it. I hope you find this advice helpful as well.
A postscript…we ran into Andrew last summer at the pool. I remembered his face like it was yesterday. He was a perfectly pleasant, polite, well-adjusted young man of 13. I guess he was probably going through a stage too.
More information about nut allergies
We know that parents may be concerned about the preschool’s decision to ban peanuts and peanut products from our campus.
If this is your first experience with food allergies, I HIGHLY recommend that you read two news stories regarding a peanut allergy situation that occurred in California. It can really serve to increase awareness about the severity and gravity of food allergies.
Original Story : http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/31/health/california-peanut-allergy-death
Parent Interview: http://www.sacbee.com/2013/08/29/5690169/parents-reach-out-on-allergy-dangers.html
End of year thoughts and thanks
How can it possibly be the end of the school year? Your little ones have grown and learned so much – from the babies who are now toddling to the 4 year olds who will proudly march off to kindergarten in a few months. I heard something about the years that we spend with young children — the days are LONG, but the years go by fast. It is so true.
Here at FUMP, we have much to be thankful for as the year draws to a close. First of all, thanks to our wonderful, dedicated teachers! They spend hours upon hours preparing and planning their classrooms activities so that the time they spend with your children is of the highest quality. So many of them devote their time and resources well beyond our core program hours to make FUMP a haven for young children. I can’t say enough great things about our staff! Thank you for a great year!
I would also like to thank our parents. As we recently wrapped up parent conferences and our preschool work day, it simply highlights that our parents are not only involved in their child’s growth and development, but they are invested in their preschool as well. Thank you for your continued support.
I also need to send a shout out to our FUMP board members as well. This particular group of parents give many hours of their time to board committee work and I could not possibly be as effective without their help.
One last heartfelt thank you to Ann Quass, our preschool office assistant. After 12 years of service to FUMP, she is moving on to a new full-time position in the Austin area. She has been a parent to FUMP graduates Adam and Ryan, a FUMP board member, and has been my right hand for the last 11 years. She has been helpful, thoughtful, dedicated, efficient, warm, and
always ready for a good laugh throughout her tenure here. She will be greatly missed by parents, children, teachers and most especially by me. We wish her the very best in her endeavors.
Thank you for sharing your children with us. We are most privileged to do so.
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