When you brought that precious baby home, it was your mission to keep them happy and content as often as possible. As they age, it is harder to navigate the dynamics of “NO”, “ME DO IT” and the tears of frustration and anger, and of course, the dreaded temper tantrum. Oftentimes, parents are unsure of how and why children need limits and boundaries, when their first instinct as parents is to keep their children happy. This is an excellent column that articulates in the importance of boundaries and limits, why you should avoid negotiating and more.
Why It’s Important to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Kids.
Today, many households have “mini-democracies” where a child‘s voice or opinion is equal to those of his/her parents. In some families, the child’s voice even takes over. And in other families, certain parents will even fully sacrifice his or her own needs to make their child happy.
Culturally, the pendulum has swung from focusing on children‘s behavior (in previous generations) to focusing on children’s emotions (today). With this, however, there has been an exponential rise in anxiety disorders in children and teens. Although it‘s extremely important for children’s emotions to be heard and validated, a parent still needs to be in charge to create a secure and stable environment for their kids. In particular, parents are responsible for setting boundaries in the household, in order to foster an environment where their children can be heard, but also encouraged to develop patience, self-awareness, and so on.
Here are four reasons why parents need to be “in charge” of boundary-setting in order to set the tone for a child‘s emotional development:
1. Parental boundaries allow kids to feel safe. Secure boundaries set by the parent (not negotiated by the child) reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bed times, homework time, and screen time — that are set and monitored by the parent — create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety.
Parents should not value a child‘s self-expression over a child’s sense of security. Setting boundaries doesn‘t make you a mean or unfair parent, even if your child says that to you at the time, out of anger. When a child tries to negotiate a later bed time this comes at a cost of the child’s sense of security because it allows the child to feel he or she has more power than the adult.
2. Children have undeveloped prefrontal lobes. In other words, a child‘s brain is not fully developed, and hence shouldn’t be given decision-making power over adults. According to Child Developmental Psychologist Piaget, “magical thinking” predominates in children aged two to seven. This “magical thinking” is what makes children amazing and so full of wonder. But it also suggests that young children are not equipped to be in charge of big decisions — beyond choosing peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese.
School-aged children from eight to eleven years of age are largely concrete in their thinking. This is why elementary kids love rules and often like the world to be black and white. After all, structure ensures predictability and security. It is only after age 12 that children begin to develop more abstract and nuanced thinking. This is why adolescence is a more appropriate time to experiment with rules and limits. Yet parents still need to be “in charge” of setting boundaries with their teenage children, as they are still developing the prefrontal controls around impulsivity, decision making, and problem-solving (never mind all the hormonal shifts!).
Even as we know more about brain development, we seem to have become less attuned to thinking about our children‘s unique developmental stage, and what is an appropriate level of choice for them to have. Many parents today negotiate with their five year-olds as if they are mini-adults; thinking kids understand all the gradations of why rules change and shift.
3. Parental limits disrupt narcissism and entitlement.
For many families, a child’s emotions, needs and desires can run the parent‘s whole day rather than the other way around. Narcissism is normal, and is developmentally appropriate in small children.
Yet unless the early-development narcissism is eventually disrupted, children continue to feel like the world revolves around them and become narcissistic adults. Parental boundaries allow children to grow up, to understand they can’t always get their way, to be more patient and mature. Knowing that there is a limit to how much comfort and pleasure their parents will provide, children can learn to cope with disappointment; as an added bonus, the mild disappointment often brought about by boundaries can also help children to develop empathy — perhaps for others who have discomfort and disappointment. Understanding the meaning of “limits” allows kids to be more connected to the real world.
It‘s OK and perfectly appropriate for a parent’s rationale to stop at this: “I am making this decision because I‘m the parent, and you’re the child.” The notion of a parent being “in charge” is not a power-trip if done in a gentle but firm way to promote a child‘s feeling of safety and security.
4. We all learn from struggling a bit.
In any developmental task from walking to talking to learning to read or drive a car, kids need to struggle. Struggle is how we mature and learn mastery of new things. If children are brought up with the expectation that they will always be “in charge”, they want things to be easy. They also expect parents to remove struggle and, fix their disappointments. A parent in charge knows it is not only OK for a child to struggle with a limit or a rule, it is actually good and healthy. It is OK if they have to turn off their video game to do their reading, or are asked to eat more vegetables or do an extra chore to help mom.
Parents who set boundaries are not trying to make their child happy in the moment (though sometimes they are!). Rather, more importantly, they are trying to have their child develop skills to successfully launch into the world at 18.
So the next time you are acquiescing your parental authority to your child, please remember, it is not helping him or her in the long-term. He or she will have more maturity, resilience, adaptability, feelings of safety & connection.